The feel, the feels, oh so many feels….
I have always been known as being a bit of slow processor when it comes the world of emotions. I have always ( in the words of Hermionie Granger) “the emotional range of a tea spoon”. So the most striking thing that has happened since this recovery process begun has been the stress of not knowing what I’m going to feel next and also not trusting my emotional reaction to be what it always has been/how I expect it to be.
The role of nutrition in this is and has been vital, but these outbursts for me are terrifying. There was such safety and calm in the anorexia mind fog and know it’s like one minutiae I’m sobbing that I have extreme hunger ( that’s a whole other post right there….seriously why dose nobody talk about it???!!?!) and have eaten the everything including the fridge and the next I’m giggly as my sister and I are walking along the bypass boxing the air in an attempt to tone our waists. I’ve been hit multiple times by the realisation I have lost my first love to this illness. 6 months later.
My consultants senior registrar said to me at the start of this process that I had starved my self in order to block out negative experiences, feelings and emotions. And that in order to experience the positives times in life that I had to learn other mechanism to cope and gradually with refeeding I would start to feel a lot more intensely. As with so many things I have been warned about I poo pooed it. And as with so many aspects of this process it hit me hard and left me wondering will I ever be at normal levels again.