Not Feeling like Beyoncé

They say  those with the prepencity to develop eating disorders tend to have very black or white thinking, all or nothing and perfectionistic tendencies. When it comes to matters of the heart I completely fit the mould. I was single till I was 20, I really never had found anyone who could change my thinking that relationships were frankly a bit of a waste of time unless they were for life. And for 20 years no one tried to get in enough that I gave it a go.

Then I met O and he made me feel special from the word go. He was so charming, sweet, attentive and we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. I presumed that when I returned to Ireland less than 2 weeks later that, like with most guys he would just slowly cool off me and again I would eventually find someone else who was in the same country as him. It would be a summer fling. I’d never felt this way in my life but my self preservation was still keeping me thinking it would never be more than that. I was wrong he flew over to see me and fast forward to the New Year and we were living together.

For the first time ever I let my self get lost in being with some one we had 2 years where it was about us. I was the reason for all our downs ( first ill health and then my eating disorder) but truly I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. And he validated this constantly with both words of affirmation, attentiveness and displays of affection. My subconscious was still muttering away that I was “just another girlfriend” but that was quietened everyday. Because for me it was all or nothing. And the problem is it still is.

I know now that my eating disorder changed everything and that really It would no longer work. But an email I had to forward to him this week set me off on a roller caster few days. Pair that with my now returned cognitive and emotional thought processes I’m hurting for the first time and wooooahh allowing my self to be pissed off and angry. The problem is it’s me that I’m feeling all these emotions towards.you see when my parents kept me home at Christmas I was still in the state of mind that I had caused all this unhappiness. And yes I had chosen my eating disorder over everything and everyone else. But at a BMI below 14 was I really the one in the driver seat?

The truth being that relationships never had a place in my life but from the word go my relationship with O was all consuming and even though the girls are just saying it is because I am not out there I am feeling this way again but really I know that deep down I cannot fathom being close to anyone in the same way. The flirtations I am having just feel like going through the motions. Yes these boys are itelligent/tall/cute/well educated but it all feels a little like here we go again. Then to see your SO move on so quickly and your friends and family remark that it’s like you’ve just been replaced hurts. It again solidifies my thought that really relationships are pointless. We do the same thing over and over again just with different people. Beyoncé is right, we are all replaceable, and the second we forget that is the second shit hits the fan. I still feel I found my soulmate, my best friend, but seeing how quickly I was replaced I now know that it would never work again. I am so happy that the unhappiness I caused him has not dampens his ability to love another as I have not been so resilient and still feel humongous guilt for the pain I caused. I am in fact eternally greatful to this new woman for making him happy again. I will never forget my mothers warning 3 months into our relationship that I would lose him if I did not sort out my eating. My anorexia was arrogant enough to think I could have it all.

 

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thehappinesshunter

Striving for Life, Love and Hapiness in the Grey as my tendency to live in Black or White led me places I'd have no intention of revisiting. Obsessive bargain hunter and nick'nak fiend.

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