Resolutions and Realisations.

Ahh January, the month of abstinence. The month of self inflicted redemption for the enjoyment of the festive season. By the 20th however it seems the whole thing is finally dying down. For me and I’m sure anyone else in the midst of recovery the last few weeks have been increasingly tense. Having to sit out the January madness for those with an eating disorder is akin to telling those who don’t that the are no longer aloud to participate in Christmas feasting but must still embark in the fitness journey in the New Year.

You see I realised long ago that my love of putting my self in physical pain allowed me to enjoy exercise and in turn weight loss in a way that not many did.

Waking up with abs so sore you can’t sit up?

winning.

Legs so sore sitting on the loo is painful?

I loooooooovvvve it.

So this very long exercise break has been tough. And so against the advice of my loved ones I thought I was okay to start easing back in to a healthy eating and light exercise routine ( cause ya know bmi 22 and all that.). Reading back that sentence know I see just how ED driven it was. Fast forward a week I had started restricting my carbs to breakfast and my body image was shot. Then the binge monster returned with full force. Lol I’m probably heavier now than I was a week ago.

The truth is that because of my history with anorexia I will probably never be able to ‘diet’ again, and for someone who actually enjoyed dieting this has been hard. I loved embarking on new regimes, it gave me purpose and goals to achieve. But I have realised that even a slight calorie reduction for a few days alters my thinking and my food and body preoccupation goes through the roof. Yes at some point I can make heavy exercise a part of my life again but changing my body shape is, at the moment, not feesable.

The other realisation is very much based around choice. As outlined in her article outlining recovery, Ms Troscianko outlines the necessity sometimes having to overshoot with fat mass in order to restore lean muscle mass to pre starvation levels. I’m much larger than I have ever been, and as seen in the men in the Minnesota Starvation Study, I have over shot my pre ed weight and experienced extreme hunger all the way. The body seems to want to be at a higher weight for a while post starvation and I’m not a unicorn. My body has behaved just as Science said it would through each stage of the process. So I’m choosing to continue following my body and Science by not trying to restrict or knowingly engaging in behaviours to maintain at a weight because I am no longer comfortable. I choose for my body to do what it needs to repair and trust me again that it no longer needs to hold on to every calorie I provide it with. If that means I have to gain even more and then taper back down again? So be it I’ve just got to pull on my big girl pants and live.

So basically I’m doing January inside out this year. Heck I’m doing life inside out the last 6 months, but here’s to hoping it brings more self acceptence and happiness than mainstream ever did.

 

PS. Thank you Adele for possibly the most beautiful picture known to man.