Pregnant? No, just recovering…

Constant hunger.

Extreme Cravings.

Water retention.

Cankles.

Weird cravings. ( yes I just had a bowl of baked beans, tuna and beet root)

Sudden attachment to my bottle of gaviscon.

Getting hot and flustered while shopping.

Inability to see my toes periodically.

I’ve seen my mom go through 3 pregnancies. I’m literally her. She actually comforted me with “”I know how you feel” and I knew she did. Lol. Now where are the pickles…..

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Happiness is a Feeling, Joy is a State of being.

However I think that by finding a little bit of happiness every day is how you achieve a joyful life. I mean no one wakes up 365 days a year feeling like TODAY IS LIKE THE BEST.DAY.EVER. ( even Rebeccca Black must struggle to be that chipper on a rainy Tuesday morning in January …). but living in a state of joy is more living with the knowledge that there will be moment in your day that make you smile, rolling with the punches and, dare I say it, being mindful and present in the moment.

My eating disorder stripped me of all that. It had got to the stage, and I’m embarrassed to even admit this aloud but I was genuinely just living for the day to end. Moreover I was living for that moment when I could step on the scales each morning to see if the numbers had gone down even .01. Not that it mattered if it had gone down. If I had to the It would mean I forced myself replicate EXACTLY the same rigorous clean eating/restriction/over exercising routine. If I hadn’t well obviously a more strict routine needed to be implemented. But then again reaching the end of the day being able to have been as stricter than the previous was a moment of happiness. So I had various moments of happiness but all were attached to how carefully I had followed my illness.

So I guess what I’m left questioning is how do I find happiness that will match the intensity of the “Hunger High”?